Fifty-Five Words - Volume 7
Being a firm believer in the 'cheer yourself up by making fun of someone else' philosophy, here's a new batch of 55-word tales.
It's been a while, so a refresher course is in order for those who are new.
Every weekday the Herald Sun publishes a story of no longer than 55 words sent in by a reader. Without exception, they are all woeful. I collect the ones that piss me off the most and publish them here. Your job is to pick your fave and vote in the comments.
The winner of Volume 6 was M. Duckett from Williamstown with her sterling tale of Sudoku gone wrong. A worthy winner if there ever was one.
Our four nominees today are:
I pull and tug, twist and turn. I grip it with both hands and give it a yank. I shake it around with all my might, and kick it into an awaiting wall. With one last effort I give it a push, and like a miracle, the old thing budged! My shoe has come off!
Miranda Curran, Ballarat
"I grip it with both hands and give it a yank."
Surely Miranda wouldn't use the 'you think I'm describing a penis but really it's a shoe' trick - would she?
I won't believe it, not my sweet Miranda.
The day was clear and windless. Snatching a few precious moments of solitude, she admired the scene reflected in the still water. Staring back impassively was her mother's image. Pale face, soulful eyes. The tranquillity was banished as more faces gradually appeared. Cora sighed contentedly. Yep, still the best looking cow in the herd.
Dorothy Norwood, Morwell
Moving on...
A man was walking to a library. He entered the library carrying his due book. He went on a computer to find the book he was looking for. The man went to the receptionist. He told her which book he was looking for. She typed in the name of the book.
'Sir, you already have it.'
Jamie Horsley, Reservoir
A comedian!
Situation comedy at its finest, this story was clearly written by Jamie as a big fuck you to all the idiots at NBC who turned down his screenplay for the pilot episode of 'Hey, That's My Hardback!'
Beautiful dress. Stunning hat. Matching shoes and bag. She leapt out of bed excitedly. Oaks Day doesn't come around often enough. So much to do before the limousine arrives. Shower. Breakfast. Hair. Make-up. Nails. Kids to school. A wailing voice stops her in her tracks. "Mum, I've just vomited."
Louise Winstanley, North Balwyn
Jees Louise, if you like full stops so much why don't you marry one?
You see what I did there Jamie? Now THAT'S comedy!
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I know I'm a fuckwit, just vote OK?
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Previous Episode
posted by Ben @ 4:03 PM
9 Comments:
For sheer dramatic intensity and romance, you just can't go back the 'best cow in the herd' story. Lock in that one, please.
Juvenile as my reasons are, I'm giving my vote to the pulling, yanking story. I didn't even bother reading the end of it. I didn't want to ruin the rich fantasy the author had built up. Also, I had to go to the bathroom.
Hahahah, gold Tim.
There's something about that "awaiting wall" that really gets me going.
They seem to all be asymptoting a level of absolute stupidity but I'll have to cast my vote to Reservoir's James Horwell. Surely he should of known that library's employ librarians not receptionists.
As a fan of non sequiturs, I feel I must vote for Jamie Horsley. This edition was a tough call, but there was something about the sheer idiocy of Horsley's work that appealed to me.
Louise Winstanley, with her Oaks Day story, has completely broken free from the shackles of sentence and syntax, and has written a list posing as a story. For that she deserves some support. It's not that the others weren't bad, too, but not everyone can be a winner.
(Fuck me, they make word verification hard sometimes. I've failed twice already.)
Not exactly spoilt for choice here. Since I can't stand the tired cliche that is the "bait-and-switch", I'm going to go for Jamie Horsley as well.
Not least because he may have actually been trying to do the old switcheroo, and failed.
time for a new entry...
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