Hypothetical Fight Club V
Proving less popular with every installment, please welcome back the Hypothetical Fight Club.
For those unfamiliar with the last four episodes, here's the skinny.
I'll come up with some celebrity names, you use your finely honed commenting skills and tell me who'd win in a fight.
There are three rounds, the third being the title fight - a name which holds no significance whatsoever, it exists merely to give me an opportunity to write a delightfully clever pun.
Shall we?
Round 1 - Guest Contributor!
Another first for the Fight Club, the inaugural Guest Contributor bout.
Today's suggestion comes from the delightful KJ, with her 'Tag-Team Bogan ABC-Comedy Girly Scrag Fight'.
Don't give KJ any credit though, it was me that came up with that catchy title.
The cast of Britain's most irritating comedy (arguably) versus our very own (no question).
The Ab-Fabs versus Kath & Kim
So what's the verdict on the first fight not thought up by me? Should I hand over the reigns, or should I stop giving out my e-mail address?
You decide - but first tell me who'd win.
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Round 2
Having just recently tuned in to the first season of Deadwood on Showtime, I must say that like Tim I was not just impressed, but blown away by the awesomeness of Ian McShane's character.
This guy kicks so much arse I felt like I'd just had the shit kicked out of me after every episode.
It's a great feeling.
But if there's one parallel in the world of epic drama series - it's Monsieur Gandolfini.
So who's the true hardcore?
Al Swearigen verus Tony Soprano
If you haven't seen Deadwood or The Sopranos, listen to your heart.
I'd be going on factors such as awesomeness of facial hair, deadness of the eyes and the noble art of the furrowed brow.
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Round 3 - Title Fight
Everywhere you look (everywhere)
There's a heart (there's a heart)
A hand to hold on to.
Everywhere you look (everywhere)
There's a face of somebody who needs you.
When you're lost out there and your all alone
A light is waiting to carry you home
Everywhere you look.
Truer words were never spoken, but could there be conflict in the Full House house?
I know I would've smacked Stephanie around if she'd said 'how rude' one more time, but that's probably just my penchant for beating up 10 year old girls talking.
Moving on, the battle of the House we want today is between these two gentleman - and boy have they hit some heights since leaving the cushy world of the early 90s sitcom. Behold their almighty IMDB profiles, they're so famous they don't even need a photo of themselves!
Now fight!
Dave Coulier versus Bob Saget
Like I said - delightfully clever puns.
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posted by Ben @ 2:15 PM
6 Comments:
Can't somebody comment on this post? I've got an exam tomorrow, so I can't do it. I'll just say that Uncle Joey with his Cut-It-Out routine might know some handy ninja moves.
I'm with you ns - where's the love people?
Sorry Ben, this little bit of love is in a post-end-of-semester, tired-from-football uninspired ditch, from which I can barely rouse myself for my own blog...
1) Kath and Kim.
I always liked ab-fab, but I also seem to recall a lot of incidents where they got drunk and fell over. They have no chance against a couple of girls from the suburban wilds who've honed their fighting skills with post-christmas stocktake sales and commuter road rage.
2) Tony Soprano
Swearigen would win the fight, for his general demeanor, and because his distracting facial hair is the forested valley floors of his many crevised face. But come the day, I see him disappearing in mysterious circumstances. You don't mess with the mob.
3) Bob Saget
I would really like to see this rematched as a three way tag-team with the guys from Friends and the guys from Full House: Ross/Danny vs Chandler/Joey vs Joey/Jesse. The result would probably be the same. Danny has put up with this useless free-loader for long enough. Beneath his morning talk-show facade is a ball of rage waiting to lay the smack-down.
Ooh nice rematch Russ - me likey.
I'd be giving it to the Full House gang by a whisker.
Danny/Ross & Jesse/Joey could be close - but Joey's got it all over Chandler, especially if they fight on an ice-skating rink.
Apologies, Ben, this comment comes hella late and laden with lameness (also alliteration). But Fight Club requires some actual thought, and I've been avoiding that of a few weeks now.
In the first match, I've got to go with the Ab-Fab Girls: Edina may be next to useless, but have you seen Patsy's cheekbones? Those things are razors. And her elbows look like pistons. Fleshy bogans stand no chance.
In the second...that's a close call. But I'm going with Al, who lacks self-doubt, and doesn't befuddle himself with any more psychotheraputic or ego-boosting massages than a bottle of whiskey and a bow-legged whore can provide.
And the third? Another tough call, but I'm going with Bob Saget. Let's face it, the man is pure evil. Just look at those soulless eyes.
Benji, here are my horribly belated answers... You shouldn't feel too unloved, though, because I stopped eating my package of mozzarella to answer this (I make eating mozzarella a two-hand job. I'm told it's quite a spectacle) and that's a privilege reserved for only the very special. Plus, they're overly-long, to further prove my love for you.
1) I get the feeling that Eddie would be very enthusiastic when the fight was initially announced. She would sign herself (and a reluctant Patsy) up for some kind of very expensive training, (probably a branch of Eastern martial arts made faddish by A-list celebrities), and then go out and purchase an expensive Christian Delacroix outfit to learn her craft in. However, ultimately, when her trainer arrived her house to begin lessons, she would be so hung over that she'd just pay them to take her place in the fight, thus winning the match.
2) I've never seen 'Deadwood', so, I don't feel qualified to make the call. However, I did read an interview with McShane in Vanity Fair with the one-and-only captain o' sleaze George Wayne. Wayne says among his "favourite scenes" from the show are when Swearengen has "some wench on her knees and between [his] legs and [he's] scolding, "Don't drool on my fucking nuts,"." McShane replies "Al only finds it possible to talk about himself when he is being given a blow job. That is the only time he can reveal his true self."
Man, I wish I had cable.
3) I'm going to go with Bob Saget for the last one, because of his half-hearted reinvention from lord of the saccharine (wherein he learnt how to work the soft-focus close-up), to seamy stand-up comic involved in such projects as 'The Aristocrats'. At the end of the day he knows what side his bread is buttered, hence his recent uncredited cameo in 'New York Minute'. All this adds up to a combination of contradictory pathetic-ness so intoxicating that Dave wouldn't stand a chance. He would be, like myself, quickly inebriated by Saget, who truly is lame personified.
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