Fifty-Five Words - Volume 2
Due to popular demand, they're back and they're regular - the 55 word story.
Every time I remember, I'll peruse the Herald Sun for particularly shitty entries, and then - guess what? You get to vote on your favourite one!
Desci has her Freakline, The Spin have their Porking Friends and Hambo has his Captions - and now I have this. I am the Paul Shaffer to their Letterman - enjoy.
On the second installment we have four nominees, and they are:
As she lifted the blades, they shone in the sunlight. She cringed and raised the blades to its neck and cut off its head. Over and over again, a different head each time, falling to the ground, blood red. She looked at the carnage and thought to herself, 'That's done, I've finished pruning the roses.'
Kristi Foster, Montrose.
Oh hell yes, Kristi - zing! I could read A Twist In The Tale by Jeffrey Archer three million times and still not find anything as brilliantly witty as that.
Just kidding, get fucked.
There is was, standing just a few feet away from me; its big round eyes glistening through the reflection of the sunlight. It looked as though it was ready to come for me, that bold golden creature. It looked so mean, but I wasn't afraid of it. It was only a toy.
Daniel Atherinis, Templestone Park Primary School
I've chucked this one in because it truly does prove one thing. These submissions are getting so very, very bad, that an eight-year old kid with leprosy is capable of getting one published.
Get well soon Daniel.
Last night two visitors from Scotland came to stay at our place. We showed them around our farm and dad took them to Shepparton. We went to Beechworth and had lunch, we looked around town and then went to Glenrowan. On the last night of our friend's stay we had dinner at the Bowls.
Jillian Cook, Peranbin P.S.
Wait for it, waiiiit for it.... there's a really awesome twist coming.... here it comes.....
Nup, she ran out of words.
We can only imagine what happened next - maybe Jillian was captured by pirates and tortured for several weeks, until succumbing to a grizly and excrutiatingly painful death.
After all, that stuff happens all the time down at the Bowls.
Someone's coming up the driveway. It's a policeman. He walked over. It's sure to (be) about the incident at the take-away shop. "Sandra," he said. "Yes," I said. "Wake up," he whispered. Then he started shaking me. I awoke. It was dad. He said I was asleep talking. Luckily, it wasn't real, or was it?
Sandra Suen, Yea
I don't want to influence the vote, but that is by a country mile the funniest thing I have ever read. I am literally laughing out loud right now.
Sandra my dear, you've out-done yourself.
And that's all of them folks, now get voting - tell me your favourite in the comments. The winner will be revealed in the next issue.
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posted by Ben @ 1:25 PM
22 Comments:
number 3 sounds like it was written by a primary schooler and the PS after the location substantiates that fact i believe
If your point is that the pirate comment was a tad rough, perhaps you're right.
Still, if Jillian didn't want to be abused, she shouldn't have expressed herself creatively. Homer said it, not me.
Yeah, I have to say that Sandra's entry is the best/worst (perhaps "blorst"?) one. I mean, you have to cut the primary school kids some slack (I think that the fact that those stories were published reflects more badly on the Herald Sun than it does about those kidlets).
Ben, something tells me that you want to be the pirate that captures and tortures Jillian...
They all suck. I should write one and submit it here, i bet I'd be waaay awesome at it. If there's one thing i'm confident about its winning a bad story competition.
hey ben i have an idea...why dont you write a terrible 55 word story and send it to the herald sun to see if they print it? and cut the kids some slack they are only learning
Svet, you would totally win all the prizes.
Anonymous, at first i dismissed your idea. But then, sitting at home after work, a few beers under my belt, I thought, 'yeah, now that's an awesome idea'.
So I did it! I faxed my entry no less than two minutes ago.
And trust me, if this gets published, I will celebrate nine times from Tuesday.
Hahahaha. Damn you, Ben! You beat me to it. I was sitting around Saturday afternoon trying to think of a story to send in to the paper. Well, I'll get around to it evetually, (maybe beer is an integral part of the equation), and then hopefully I'll end up as a contestant in your competition.
Svet, you should send one in because you're a good writer, and that is what's lacking from the 55 word story BIG TIME.
You snooze you lose Alex.
My plan was to see if I could send in a story so outrageous, so controversial that even the Herald Sun editors wouldn't be desperate enough to publish it.
Or would they....?
glad too see i can come up with bright ideas sometimes!! if your story does get published you'll have to let us know, if it doesnt you'll have to let us see it anyway, i'll be watching this site for the verdict because i refuse under any circumstance to read the herald sun!!
Love the comp, Ben. The winner just has to be number one. You'd have sworn she was cutting off heads Japanese POW style before she mentioned the roses. So clever. So witty. So go and die, bitch.
Arh, I knew you'd get into the spirit Hack, cheers.
Anonymous - I think in my drunken haze I went a little far, there's no way they're publishing this. Still, I was amused by it at the time, and once I reveal my literary masterpiece, perhaps you will be too.
So that's 2 Votes No 4, 1 Vote No. 1
Keep it up kids.
Benji,
I'm voting for number one because it's the only one I'm sure wasn't written by a child.
Ben, you've got number 3 all wrong, it is a moving story, rich in metaphor, representing the plight of young Jillian growing up in regional Victoria.
In the opening passage her Scottish friends are her ancestors, who settled the land, but her father went to 'Shepparton'; Shep, the graveyard, most boring town in Victoria; they've been forced off the land.
The trip to Beechworth is the switch to tourism instead of farming, making a living off of old buildings and kitcsh. But note they only had lunch, the middle of the day. The trip to Glenrowan that evening represents the death of tourism as an industry, where even the spectacular Ned Kelly's animatronic show can't prevent a town being by-passed by the freeway.
And the final line, "On the last night... dinner at the Bowls". The bowls club, that wonderful institution of togetherness. Could any single statement summarise leaving the comforts of small town living? Brilliant! It has my vote.
Hahahah, Russ old pal, I have never seen anyone put so much effort into a comment on this blog before. Brilliant.
Jillian is not worthy of you.
im questioning whether number 2 was actually written by a primary school child, yeah sure its momentously bad, but the structure, in that respect it seems too well written for a primary school child, or if daniel really is a primary school kid, he has a fairly good grasp of the english language, he just needs some lessons on plot structure, so i think he has my vote!!
Nnnyes, I think somebody had a little bit of help from his teacher.
But that's good news anonymous, no-one had voted for poor old Daniel yet - I thought more people would have had sympathy for the dying kid.
Keep those votes coming y'all, I know there's at least a few more than six people that read this here blog.
And what's with all the anonymous-ness? Some names would be nice, even if they're made up, like Blortak. Blortak would be cool.
i am now officially renamed blortak!!!
Ha ha!!!!
Blortak, welcome to the fold.
i accept your invitation with open arms my friend. it humbles me that i am welcome.
are we voting for our favorite, the least shit or the shitest? hmmmm, i supose the first two would be one and the same, so i shall rephrase are we voting for the terrible or slightly not so terrible? excuse my ignorance but im a little confused on this point.
Just vote for you favourite dude.
Best and worst are one in the same around these parts.
In that case it would have to be number 1, the others really dont cut it in any respect at all, and number 1 seems ok, until you get to the last line.
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